Giving it all to the Lord

Last night I had a nightmare, the kind where you wake up crying. I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was awful and I woke up with this horrible fear of losing my children. I don't know where it came from, but I couldn't sleep and I was sobbing. Todd didn't know how to help me. I just prayed and prayed and God helped me get back to sleep. But then I woke up really early crying again, with this horrible fear.

I prayed on my knees, crying, and the Lord led me to confess so many things to Him, personal thing, weaknesses and sins, fears and worries, all which led me to realize that I needed to give it all the things I was trying to hold onto, to control, to the Lord. I needed to give him my children and husband, their lives, my abilities to serve them, to serve here in Croata, and my fears and inadequacies. I need to surrender to the Lord, remembering who He is, the GREAT and MIGHTY GOD, Creator of the Universe, and that He is sovereign. But not just that, but that He loves me, and He loves my children more than I do. That if He decided to take them, I would have to be reminded not only that they would be so much happier in heaven, but also that God would only allow it if it were for my good, for a purpose greater than me. I'm still grappling with it.

Ever since they were little, we've always talked about heaven with wonder and anticipation of going there. Excited to be with God. And the kids have always said, "Oh, I wish I could be in heaven right now." Or, "Why can't we go to heaven today, Mommy?" Those are wonderful things to hear, their desire to be with God and experience His joys, but also heart wrenching because of the fear of loss. I've always had this paralyzing fear of losing them and Todd. And I begged for mercy for God to spare me. I'm not strong enough. I couldn't handle it.

But I've been reading Job. God had a plan for his suffering. I realize that God doesn't always spare the very righteous like Job who suffered not because of his sinfulness. He didn't need to be punished. But me, a sinner, struggling and not resisting sin so often, I deserve anything as punishment and how dare I beg for mercy. But the Bible does say that God is our God, who is compassionate and gracious, full of lovingkindness and compassion, ready to forgive and show mercy. So I cling to Him, for forgiveness, for mercy and compassion and for help to overcome sin and trust him in all things. And that leads me to say, "I trust you Lord. You are my Sovereign. My life and the lives of those I love are in Your hands. Please protect us all from Satan's schemes. Place a hedge of protection around us. Use us, as you choose; do with us, as you please. For you are my good, gracious and loving God."

Fun with Strawberries

Wow! We found strawberries! When I grew up here, that was absolutely impossible! And now, we found a whole box of them (about 4 pints) for R$10 , which is about $7.50. When we came home, I wanted so much to keep them from spoiling that I washed and processed them immediately.

Here, we have to wash all our fruits and vegetables and let them soak before we eat them. There's no limit to the yucky stuff you can find in/on your veggies and fruits. So, I soaked them in bleach water for 15 minutes after rinsing them under running water. Then I processed them, while saving the prettiest ones for something special.

I had attempted homemade yogurt (like I remember my mom making) at the end of last week and had a little of that left over (by the way it worked great!), so I mixed some strawberries with that. We had strawberries on pancakes with homemade whipped cream (from the cream from our milk). And tonight was the big treat. I melted some chocolate and used those perfect strawberries and made chocolate covered strawberries for all of us! What a treat! The kids were jumping up and down and it was a real joy to see them enjoying a treat, "just like the States", Mickey said. Todd really enjoyed it too! :)

I've saved two little tupperwares full of the strawberries cut up with sugar to use on some other special occasion. I don't know how often we can find them or afford them, but it has sure been special!

By the way, if you've noticed, I'm trying to find uses for homemade dairy products, how to make yogurt, whipped cream, cream cheese, cottage cheese, etc. The yogurt worked and was super easy! The whipped cream as well. If I can get enough cream, I'll try to make butter. I tried cottage cheese and it didn't work, I think I must have missed a step. And the cream cheese recipes I've found are made from the yogurt, so I'll try to get that recipe down first before I try the cream cheese. It's lots of fun trying stuff I never thought about making in the States!

Just thinking

I've had so many people write me over the last several weeks in response to my blog and it has been an incredible encouragement to me. I've really need you, my friends! Thank you! I do feel though, that I have been too "down" but through your encouraging words the Lord has reminded me of several things.
This first thing is so cool and so easy to miss and several of you mentioned it to me. The first thing is that if I weren't struggling with my walk, then it would show that I wasn't really a child of God. When we are believers we realize we are sinning; we should be disgusted with our sin, attempting to have victory over our sin, and in the end wanting to grow in grace, grow as children of God who want to be just like Him. What a reminder, my friends. So often I think I must be a terrible Christian because I'm struggling with this or that, or I just can't seem to find victory over this sin or that, particulary complaining or self-control! But the Lord has comforted my heart through your reminders that because I hate my sin and am not satisfied with my sinfulness, that He is working in me and will help me through! What hope and peace that provides!
The second thing that God has helped me see is how easy it is to fall or trip when we lack fellowship and teaching. There is very little accountability here and I was appalled to realize that I hadn't spent dedicated time with the Lord in several days. I hate to admit it, even, but it's true. The days flew by, on homeschooling, working the with kid's program, researching homeschooling curriculum for next year, etc., and I've been staying up late on the computer and waking up late just in time to make breakfast and start school. I didn't even realize I was doing it, until the Lord brought me to the conviction of it. Wow! How awful. There is nothing that weakens our walk, like not walking at all--not spending time abiding in Christ, walking beside my Savior having sweet conversations and holding hands with Him. If I'm not in His Word and not bringing it into my life, not spending time in deep conversation with Him, than how in the World can I overcome sin, anyway! Like the kid's song--Don't read your Bible, don't pray every day and you'll shrink, shrink, shrink!
So we're going to church more often (even though it's so far, we need to do it! and we miss it!), and I'm returning to fellowship with my Savior. Isn't that what conviction is all about, I wish I didn't have to slip up to realize it, but it's just true, whether I had put it on this blog or not. I know some may not know me this well, but it's who I am, and perhaps through my stumbling and the Lord picking me up, you will be encouraged somehow. There's a verse somewhere about being honest with yourself, not having pretensions, and that's, I think, something I have done for far too long.

Joy...continued

During our Spiritual Retreat last week, we had our Pastor-to-Missionaries and his wife come to share and fellowship with us. It was so wonderful to see them. We were able to know them through a few visits with them before we came to Brazil, and really appreciate them. Both of them have gone through very difficult trials with the crisis in their daughter's health. You can see more of her testimony through this link. http://www.charitygeorge.com/ Charity and her husband were preparing to become missionaries with Avant, when she started feeling very sick. Within a week (more or less) she had lost most of her ability to walk, speak, eat. This was three years ago and the journey has been very difficult. We've prayed with them along this excruciating journey from the beginning and have followed their pain and progress. But this time, they were able to share with us about their way of dealing with the pain, of their understanding of God through this trial.

It was a blessing and a challenge to me. They spoke of many things that touched my heart, including their purposefulness in holding onto God and remembering His promises and His character in the face of trials. But one of the biggest things that stuck out to me was their definition of joy--contentment not happiness. I've always known about it not being happiness, but had never been able to figure out what it really was.

I've been writing about how I believe the Lord wants me to grow in joy and not really knowing how. When we came back from Fortaleza on Thursday night, we found the house taken over by birds. There was bird-poop, nest makings and feathers on every surface, besides a dust-storm load of dirt and debris. They'd even broken through the concrete Todd put up on top of the walls to block their access to the inside of the house. Here are some pictures of what we came home to.

Our living room floor and couch

The bird-nest fixings that fell out

This was what I swept up from inside the house!

It was down-right infuriating and discouraging. I've already struggled with living with the dirt in a house that has no ceiling, but this was too much. If I could have moved that very minute, I would have. But we can't. We're committed, at least for several more months to live here--no contract, just financially and with the constraints of circumstances.

So, I come back to the fact that God wants me to learn to live with this trial, to learn to be content even in a very difficult living situation. I keep thinking that all the women around us live like this their whole lives, what's wrong with me that I can't seem to deal with it at all. Even the other missionaries on our field have done it before and seem to think it's something you just get used to. But I've cried more in the last 2 months, than the whole rest of the time we've been in Brazil. It's not just the dirt, but also a feeling of isolation, feeling stuck or locked into my home, not having the freedom I'm used to because I can't drive and there's really very few places to go.

So, I've asked the Lord to supernaturally give me contentment and joy in these circumstances. I'm empty of it, but I know it is a fruit of the Spirit, He is the One that puts that fruit in us, but I must learn to exercise it and use it. So that's what I'm asking the Lord to do. Fill me with His Spirit, help me to grow in Him, and give me the joy and contentment that He wants for me. And in the process, I need to stop complaining and look around me. I need to find ways of dealing with the dirt, with the feeling of being closed in and locked up, and reach out to the people He's called us to and not focus on myself. Most importantly, I need to focus on my relationships-- with the Lord,my daily walk with devotions and prayer; with my husband, conversation and partnership; and with my children, loving and teaching them, spending lots of quantity time with them.

Joy and Pollyanna

Consider it all joy, my brothers--James 1:2--a decision must be made
The Joy of the Lord is my Strength--Nehemiah 8:10--this is a fact
Yet I rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior (Hab. 3:18)--I choose despite the circumstance "Yet, I will!"

So God is working on Joy in my life. It all started with the memory verse the kids are studying this week. Every Sunday morning we've been doing a little Sunday School with our own kids because we don't have a church close by to go to every week. This week's verse is the Fruit of the Spirit passage, Galatians 5:22-23. Then the next morning, our morning family devotions was on the same passage. In the application part, it asked the question, "Which fruit are you needing to work on?" Each one of us identified the ones we needed to work on most, and mine was "Joy".

Another event that helped me identify this area I need to work on is the book Pollyanna. Have any of you read that? I know you have, Mom. It's about a little girl who has gone through way too much for her young years, I think she was 11. She's lost both parents, moved in with an Aunt who doesn't want her, etc. But she plays this game. And the harder it is the more fun it is.

Her father was a poor missionary pastor, so anything they ever recieved came in the missionary barrels. If they needed a pair of boots and got slippers, they had to make do. Well, Pollyanna had been praying for a doll and instead she got crutches. That's when her Dad taught her this little game he plays. Whenever you face something disappointing or hard, you play the "Glad" Game. You find a reason to be glad about it. So the reason she was glad she got the crutches was because she never needed them.

Her father learned to play this game because he was struggling then came across a Praise the Lord for everything passage. Well, he reasoned, it's a command. So he counted all the times we are told in Scripture to praise the Lord. It was over 800 times. If God bothered to tell us to praise Him, even in difficulties, then He knows it will help us. So he obeyed by inventing this game.

Now, why am I telling you this? Well, #1, I need prayer to develop this habit of having a positive, faith-filled outlook on the struggles of life. #2, God is really convicting me of this and others may give me some "perspective" on this as well. I welcome your comments.

How do you deal with struggles? How do you "mind over matter" "considering it all joy", or choose to have joy instead of anger or a complaining spirit when facing the struggles that come into your life?

Birds, Scorpions and Mosquito Nets

Even though I'm a MK (Missionary Kid), I am facing a lot of cultural adjustments in returning to Brazil. It was a transition to go back to Fortaleza, even though I grew up there because most of my adult life was spent in the U.S. But I have never lived interior Brazil, and it is much more 3rd World and backward than the capital city.
For example, we don't have a ceiling in this house. It's just the clay tile roof that keeps the sun and rain out. But it is dusty and it allows other things in. Like Birds! Today we had a bird in the house when we woke up. Most mornings we wake up with the sunrise when the early birds land on our roof and sing in the morning. I always loved birds and their songs, but this is hard to get used to! Todd hasn't slept much past 5:30 since we moved into this house. The birds are trying to build nests in our roof as well, so we are constantly cleaning up feathers and nest parts.
Another new problem for us is scorpions. I've never, in all my years of living in Brazil, had to think about scorpions. But this place is just dry enough that they thrive here. Well, that means that we have to wear shoes all the time. We're all getting used to it and we're getting used to spotting the little creatures at night fall usually trying to walk right in our front door. Poor kids are terrified of getting a scorpion bite after overhearing us talk with some other missionaries and hearing their stories.
For the first time in all my MK life I am sleeping in a mosquito net. The kids have been using them since we came to Brazil, but I've never been able to deal with the idea of sleeping all closed in and not having a fan blowing directly on me. But it has become a necessity, especially for Todd's sanity. There are tons here, and I think it is one more result of not having a ceiling to add that extra barrier between us and the outside world. It's not just the mosquitos that we are trying to keep out, it's the flies as well. Todd is going to put up screens to try to diminish the numbers. And he is cementing the biggest spaces between the walls and the roof, too.
We're getting adjusted. I'm learning that it is just a part of the move, and I can't pretend they aren't real culture shocks. But I can't allow it discourage or make me angry. I have to lean on God's grace through this, too. Just simple things like having to wear shoes all the time, sleeping a different way than before, and having to watch out for bugs that could hurt us. You get used to it, but it takes time!

Our Boys

The boys came by again this afternoon. This is a group of 5-10 boys that have been coming every afternoon for a week to play basketball with Todd and drink all our water and use all our bandaids. They start coming at 12:45 after their lunch and we tell them not to come back until 3:30. Around 2:30 their climbing up the gate looking in and calling us.
They are such sweet kids. The oldest is 12, the youngest is about 7, I guess. They are so rowdy and rambunctious. So cute. So dirty and their Portuguese is horrendous. Todd's learning all the wrong words. We are getting to know them and learning to love them. It's not hard. Sometimes, when they won't listen to anything Todd says, because he's a man and most aren't used to father figures, it gets hard and you want to turn them over your knee. But since we can't do that, we pray and ask God to give us wisdom how to show His love and His patience and that there is something called respect and obedience that is good and right.
Michaela has a really hard time with them coming. And frankly, Todd and I don't quite know how to handle their constant presence. We do enjoy it, and we hope to share Christ with these boys, but they are controlling our lives! And they want us to give them everything! And they're destroying things! It's such a different cultural part of things. Todd's so sore and doesn't have time to recover. He's got a busted toe nail and maybe a torn ligament in his shoulder now. Maybe it will get better if he rests.
We've decided we need to tell them they can only come twice a week to play from 3:30 to 5:00. They'll test us, coming other days and begging, pestering for us to let them in, but we'll have to hold to our guns. We're not getting any work done and Mickey's super stressed out! Today she was really upset because they were playing with Biscuit and she wanted to. But when we told her that we were going to set a limit to their coming and that we want them to come because we want to show them Jesus, she calmed down. She's such a good kid. Sammy just doesn't like it because they're rowdy and he's such a calm little guy. I think they'll get used to it, and our boys will get used to it too as they get to know us. Please pray for us!