I have a great family

One of the main things that has hit me over the last few weeks, while going through this sudden health issue, has been my love for my family, and their obvious love for me. So often, we get caught up in the everyday-ness of life, and forgot to purposefully show our love to the ones we love the most. Then, scary things happen, things that upset your whole routine, and you see the depth of the relationship you have with people. Proverbs speak of this, a rich man whose friends all disappear when he loses his money. This can happen sometimes with relationships that are seemingly strong, but when tragedy or crises strike, the relationship seems to fall apart. Like a building that looks strong from the outside but crumbles in an earthquake because the foundation lacks depth.

Well, I'm glad to say, that's not true in my case. I just realized I might be scaring you--not my intention. Just pondering...

Todd has taken on a lot because of my semi-bed-rest situation. I can sit for a little while, then I need to lie down. But I'm not much help! So not only is he trying to keep up with his work, but he's also cooking the meals, trying to keep up with the house, taking care of the kids, and doing all the running around (groceries, milk, errands) that I normally do. He even did a few days of home school with the kids while I was in the hospital!

And he's such a trooper. Every night he falls into bed exhausted, but he never complains. And he's always smiling. That's something special about Todd. I don't have to worry about him falling apart or turning on me, because I know his foundation is in the Lord. I know his habits of personal Bible study and prayer--the most consistent person I've ever met. And, I also think he was scared through the situation. Because he has been so tender and caring--trying to meet my needs before I think of them.

Then there's my kids. My biggest fear, when I was discovering the problem and fainting in Guaraciaba, was for my kids. It was not only safety and well-being (i.e. who was going to take care of them), but also their emotional trauma through seeing mommy so sick and not knowing what was wrong. When we realized that I had to go to Fortaleza right away, the ambulance drove me back to Molly's house and she went upstairs to frantically pack hers and our things to go to Fortaleza. Someone brought the kids down to see me, and they got into the ambulance to talk with me. Sammy just held on to my hand and asked me why I wasn't getting up. But Michaela got this tremble to her lip and I held onto her hand and told her that God was going to take care of me and that she should pray for God to help us. But she was almost crying (which was okay but she didn't want to cry), and so I asked what she was thinking about and she said, "But whose going to take care of Biscuit?" I just cracked up. Right there, in all that pain, and I laughed! Not at Michaela, but because it was unexpected. And that relieved the situation for all of us and I was able to tell her that our neighbors would continue to feed him until they hear from us.

My point is that my kids feel the stress of the unknown as well, maybe even more because a lot of their security is bound up in their parents. I've always noticed that as long as the kids are with us they seem happy and secure--even in the middle of the boonies in a foreign country. But God really calmed my heart and helped me realize that God uses these difficult times in the lives of children to mature them and help them grow in their trust and relationship with the Lord. And my job is to point them in that direction. It's my job to share Scripture that is comforting to me, to pray with my kids and encourage them to read and pray on their own, and to talk and hug and kiss a lot. The first time the kids visited me in the hospital they both climbed in bed with me and just cuddled and didn't want to move. I didn't either.

Since then, Michaela has never failed in praying for me multiple times a day when we pray together (meals, devotions, bedtime). And Sammy always says things about it being too bad that mommy's sick, but God's going to make her better. I know the road to healing isn't nearly over, the pain is diminishing but still present and I still face surgery. But I have seen God's hand through all of it, not only the circumstances but also the life lessons that He is gently teaching us through this difficult time. As the Bible says so tenderly, "He gently leads those who are with young." I praise Him for His gentleness in leading us, even through the valleys.

Here's the Scoop

Hi guys,
I've had a whole bunch of people asking what's going on/how am I doing?

First of all, I'm doing quite a bit better today than last week. The Lord has been so good and really taken care of us. This was not a total emergency, but was very serious. If you're not interested in hearing about women's health issues, do not read anymore. Here's what happened.

Two Sundays ago, we went to Guaraciaba so the kids and I could spend Monday and Tuesday with Molly Goossen while the men (her husband James, her son Nathaniel and my Todd) went 5 hours away for a men's leadership conference. I was feeling a little uncomfortable on that Saturday before, but really thought I just had the cramps. Then Sunday, I was pretty uncomfortable sitting down. I thought, "this isn't normal for me", but if you know anything about me, my womanly health is anything but normal.

By Monday, my stomach was really upset and it hurt to bend over. On Monday afternoon, we all went for a walk. I got about 4 blocks away and suddenly turned completely pale and shaky. What in the world! Molly noticed and sent me straight home. By the time I made it home, I could hardly walk and it hurt to touch my stomach. I fell asleep and when she arrived (she had to go downtown) I felt a little better. I was really uncomfortable that night and still couldn't hardly touch my stomach. I woke at 3:30 in the morning with extremely sharp pains, and knew instantly that something was seriously wrong. I got up and took my temperature and I had a fever. Molly woke up then, and we prayed together for wisdom. We were in trouble.

This is what we were facing: The men were away (5 hours away), they had left both trucks (pickups), but Molly's truck had bad tires, and Todd had accidentally taken our keys with him (out of habit). So we were alone, 5 hours away from the city, with two little ones to take care of, and to top it all off, Tuesday was a national holliday--nothing would be open.

This is how the Lord takes care of us, though. We tried to sleep until about 7 a.m., then Molly woke up with an IDEA. The next door neighbor was a doctor! So she went to his house and he came over to look at me. He suspected a tubal pregnancy or appendicitis. He left to try to call someone to open a clinic to do an ultrasound, and when he came back I had fainted and was throwing up. I had tried to get up and get the kids ready to go, and just the act of standing was too much. My blood pressure went completely down. He got an ambulance to come (more on ambulances in Brazil another time) and took me to a clinic.

Instead of his two theories, what he found was a large mass where my left ovary should have been. Behind that mass was an amazing amount of infectious fluid, which was causing the pain. The mass is larger than my uterus. I'll spare you the details of the decision making. The doctor wanted to rush me to surgery in a small hospital in a town nearby, and Todd and the other missionaries put their foot down and arranged for me to come to Fortaleza. They contacted my gynecologist in Fortaleza who opened his clinic and met me there. We had two trucks and no way to get to Fortaleza, the ambulance couldn't take me (not that I'd want it to). So, the Lord provided a neighbor of James and Molly's who not only offered his car, but also drove us here. The 5 hours trip took less than 4 hours ! The doc interior gave me tylenol with codeine and it hardly touched the pain.

When we arrived in Fortaleza, Todd had just arrived in town 5 minutes earlier. We went to the doctor's office and he did another ultrasound, confirming what we saw. I started fainting again and wanting to throw up, so they rushed me to a hospital nearby. It was actually a very good hospital, clean, confortable, room for Todd to sleep comfortably, and the staff was very professional and kind. I was in the hospital for 4 days and on complete bed rest and constant IV antibiotics.

I got out last Friday night, and saw the doctor on Monday. On Tuesday we came back home. I'm on bedrest still and really need it. The pain is diminishing daily, though it is still obviously there. The reason it's not so bad is because the infectious fluid is gone, but I do still have some infection. I'm to go back to the doctor on the 22nd after I finish this round of antibiotics. He will probably schedule laparoscopic surgery to remove the ovary Thanksgiving week, but I don't know that for sure. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers. It's been amazing to see how God has taken care of us and cleared the way for us. His grace is sufficient! And He is the amazing provider!

I'm all tuckered out! So I'll sign off. I've been thinking of other things to write but it will have to wait!

Love you all.

Exciting Day

After the hard night last night and time before the Lord this morning (see previous post), there was such a peace. Perfect rest in the good and powerful God who is in control of our lives. And it was a good day.

First of all, while we were doing our morning devotions with the kids we were talking about how important our work here in Croata is, so that we can tell others about Jesus, so they may learn to live like Christians and go to heaven to. And Sammy said without any promptin by us, "I want to be a Christian." Wow, we've been praying for awhile for him to understand. We'd ask him what it means and he would say, "Being good" or something like that.

Over the last several weeks we've been reading "The Lamb" for our Sunday School time. (By the way, I would highly recommend it for giving a clear presentation of the Gospel that any child can understand. And it's beautifully illustrated.) The last couple lessons have explained about the Old Testament system of placing the man's hands on the head of the perfect lamb, thereby a picture of transfering your sin on something else, and then killing the lamb, the one paying for the sin of the man.

We've talked quite extensively over the last few weeks that Jesus is the Lamb of God who took the sins of the world and died in our place. He paid for our sin so that we can be forgiven and live with Him. Only perfect people can live with a perfect God in His perfect home. So we have to accept Jesus sacrifice and He will make us clean, so we can go to heaven.

Well, Sammy was able to explain that today, and He asked Jesus to come take his sins away, and forgive Him, so He can go to heaven if he died today. He told Jesus thank you for dying on the cross for his sins. It was beautiful! And he asked God to help him be good and serve God always.

Just this morning, I surrendered to the Lord and released control of my children's lives, and He brings my son to saving faith that same day. What an awesome Lord! My children are in His hands, for certain! Not that I doubted it, but the Lord really confirmed it in my heart!

Here's the link for "The Lamb". http://www.goodseed.com/ Look under resources, ages 4 and up. This is the same Bible study we went through with Michaela when she was 4 and she clearly understood the Gospel while going through it. We're also using the Portuguese version with our Bible clubs right now.

Giving it all to the Lord

Last night I had a nightmare, the kind where you wake up crying. I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was awful and I woke up with this horrible fear of losing my children. I don't know where it came from, but I couldn't sleep and I was sobbing. Todd didn't know how to help me. I just prayed and prayed and God helped me get back to sleep. But then I woke up really early crying again, with this horrible fear.

I prayed on my knees, crying, and the Lord led me to confess so many things to Him, personal thing, weaknesses and sins, fears and worries, all which led me to realize that I needed to give it all the things I was trying to hold onto, to control, to the Lord. I needed to give him my children and husband, their lives, my abilities to serve them, to serve here in Croata, and my fears and inadequacies. I need to surrender to the Lord, remembering who He is, the GREAT and MIGHTY GOD, Creator of the Universe, and that He is sovereign. But not just that, but that He loves me, and He loves my children more than I do. That if He decided to take them, I would have to be reminded not only that they would be so much happier in heaven, but also that God would only allow it if it were for my good, for a purpose greater than me. I'm still grappling with it.

Ever since they were little, we've always talked about heaven with wonder and anticipation of going there. Excited to be with God. And the kids have always said, "Oh, I wish I could be in heaven right now." Or, "Why can't we go to heaven today, Mommy?" Those are wonderful things to hear, their desire to be with God and experience His joys, but also heart wrenching because of the fear of loss. I've always had this paralyzing fear of losing them and Todd. And I begged for mercy for God to spare me. I'm not strong enough. I couldn't handle it.

But I've been reading Job. God had a plan for his suffering. I realize that God doesn't always spare the very righteous like Job who suffered not because of his sinfulness. He didn't need to be punished. But me, a sinner, struggling and not resisting sin so often, I deserve anything as punishment and how dare I beg for mercy. But the Bible does say that God is our God, who is compassionate and gracious, full of lovingkindness and compassion, ready to forgive and show mercy. So I cling to Him, for forgiveness, for mercy and compassion and for help to overcome sin and trust him in all things. And that leads me to say, "I trust you Lord. You are my Sovereign. My life and the lives of those I love are in Your hands. Please protect us all from Satan's schemes. Place a hedge of protection around us. Use us, as you choose; do with us, as you please. For you are my good, gracious and loving God."

Fun with Strawberries

Wow! We found strawberries! When I grew up here, that was absolutely impossible! And now, we found a whole box of them (about 4 pints) for R$10 , which is about $7.50. When we came home, I wanted so much to keep them from spoiling that I washed and processed them immediately.

Here, we have to wash all our fruits and vegetables and let them soak before we eat them. There's no limit to the yucky stuff you can find in/on your veggies and fruits. So, I soaked them in bleach water for 15 minutes after rinsing them under running water. Then I processed them, while saving the prettiest ones for something special.

I had attempted homemade yogurt (like I remember my mom making) at the end of last week and had a little of that left over (by the way it worked great!), so I mixed some strawberries with that. We had strawberries on pancakes with homemade whipped cream (from the cream from our milk). And tonight was the big treat. I melted some chocolate and used those perfect strawberries and made chocolate covered strawberries for all of us! What a treat! The kids were jumping up and down and it was a real joy to see them enjoying a treat, "just like the States", Mickey said. Todd really enjoyed it too! :)

I've saved two little tupperwares full of the strawberries cut up with sugar to use on some other special occasion. I don't know how often we can find them or afford them, but it has sure been special!

By the way, if you've noticed, I'm trying to find uses for homemade dairy products, how to make yogurt, whipped cream, cream cheese, cottage cheese, etc. The yogurt worked and was super easy! The whipped cream as well. If I can get enough cream, I'll try to make butter. I tried cottage cheese and it didn't work, I think I must have missed a step. And the cream cheese recipes I've found are made from the yogurt, so I'll try to get that recipe down first before I try the cream cheese. It's lots of fun trying stuff I never thought about making in the States!

Just thinking

I've had so many people write me over the last several weeks in response to my blog and it has been an incredible encouragement to me. I've really need you, my friends! Thank you! I do feel though, that I have been too "down" but through your encouraging words the Lord has reminded me of several things.
This first thing is so cool and so easy to miss and several of you mentioned it to me. The first thing is that if I weren't struggling with my walk, then it would show that I wasn't really a child of God. When we are believers we realize we are sinning; we should be disgusted with our sin, attempting to have victory over our sin, and in the end wanting to grow in grace, grow as children of God who want to be just like Him. What a reminder, my friends. So often I think I must be a terrible Christian because I'm struggling with this or that, or I just can't seem to find victory over this sin or that, particulary complaining or self-control! But the Lord has comforted my heart through your reminders that because I hate my sin and am not satisfied with my sinfulness, that He is working in me and will help me through! What hope and peace that provides!
The second thing that God has helped me see is how easy it is to fall or trip when we lack fellowship and teaching. There is very little accountability here and I was appalled to realize that I hadn't spent dedicated time with the Lord in several days. I hate to admit it, even, but it's true. The days flew by, on homeschooling, working the with kid's program, researching homeschooling curriculum for next year, etc., and I've been staying up late on the computer and waking up late just in time to make breakfast and start school. I didn't even realize I was doing it, until the Lord brought me to the conviction of it. Wow! How awful. There is nothing that weakens our walk, like not walking at all--not spending time abiding in Christ, walking beside my Savior having sweet conversations and holding hands with Him. If I'm not in His Word and not bringing it into my life, not spending time in deep conversation with Him, than how in the World can I overcome sin, anyway! Like the kid's song--Don't read your Bible, don't pray every day and you'll shrink, shrink, shrink!
So we're going to church more often (even though it's so far, we need to do it! and we miss it!), and I'm returning to fellowship with my Savior. Isn't that what conviction is all about, I wish I didn't have to slip up to realize it, but it's just true, whether I had put it on this blog or not. I know some may not know me this well, but it's who I am, and perhaps through my stumbling and the Lord picking me up, you will be encouraged somehow. There's a verse somewhere about being honest with yourself, not having pretensions, and that's, I think, something I have done for far too long.

Joy...continued

During our Spiritual Retreat last week, we had our Pastor-to-Missionaries and his wife come to share and fellowship with us. It was so wonderful to see them. We were able to know them through a few visits with them before we came to Brazil, and really appreciate them. Both of them have gone through very difficult trials with the crisis in their daughter's health. You can see more of her testimony through this link. http://www.charitygeorge.com/ Charity and her husband were preparing to become missionaries with Avant, when she started feeling very sick. Within a week (more or less) she had lost most of her ability to walk, speak, eat. This was three years ago and the journey has been very difficult. We've prayed with them along this excruciating journey from the beginning and have followed their pain and progress. But this time, they were able to share with us about their way of dealing with the pain, of their understanding of God through this trial.

It was a blessing and a challenge to me. They spoke of many things that touched my heart, including their purposefulness in holding onto God and remembering His promises and His character in the face of trials. But one of the biggest things that stuck out to me was their definition of joy--contentment not happiness. I've always known about it not being happiness, but had never been able to figure out what it really was.

I've been writing about how I believe the Lord wants me to grow in joy and not really knowing how. When we came back from Fortaleza on Thursday night, we found the house taken over by birds. There was bird-poop, nest makings and feathers on every surface, besides a dust-storm load of dirt and debris. They'd even broken through the concrete Todd put up on top of the walls to block their access to the inside of the house. Here are some pictures of what we came home to.

Our living room floor and couch

The bird-nest fixings that fell out

This was what I swept up from inside the house!

It was down-right infuriating and discouraging. I've already struggled with living with the dirt in a house that has no ceiling, but this was too much. If I could have moved that very minute, I would have. But we can't. We're committed, at least for several more months to live here--no contract, just financially and with the constraints of circumstances.

So, I come back to the fact that God wants me to learn to live with this trial, to learn to be content even in a very difficult living situation. I keep thinking that all the women around us live like this their whole lives, what's wrong with me that I can't seem to deal with it at all. Even the other missionaries on our field have done it before and seem to think it's something you just get used to. But I've cried more in the last 2 months, than the whole rest of the time we've been in Brazil. It's not just the dirt, but also a feeling of isolation, feeling stuck or locked into my home, not having the freedom I'm used to because I can't drive and there's really very few places to go.

So, I've asked the Lord to supernaturally give me contentment and joy in these circumstances. I'm empty of it, but I know it is a fruit of the Spirit, He is the One that puts that fruit in us, but I must learn to exercise it and use it. So that's what I'm asking the Lord to do. Fill me with His Spirit, help me to grow in Him, and give me the joy and contentment that He wants for me. And in the process, I need to stop complaining and look around me. I need to find ways of dealing with the dirt, with the feeling of being closed in and locked up, and reach out to the people He's called us to and not focus on myself. Most importantly, I need to focus on my relationships-- with the Lord,my daily walk with devotions and prayer; with my husband, conversation and partnership; and with my children, loving and teaching them, spending lots of quantity time with them.